It's December. Yes, December. No matter how many times I say it, I don't think I believe it. It's December, and I will be leaving the beautiful country of Italy in a little less than one month. It's December, and as of today, I have been in Italy 144 days. That is approximately 3 months and 22 days. It feels entirely longer and shorter than that. Just a couple months ago, I left in tears for a plane departing for another continent, and specifically the city of Dublin, Ireland, to get my feet wet before I was submerged in metropolis of Rome. Just as of September, I was discovering Torino for the first time, and meeting the Italian students. And just as of October, I returned to the crazy city of Rome, filled with its tourists, ruins, and something similar to the magic of Disney.
Italy was not quite what I expected. For that matter, I have no idea what I expected. But I think just the idea of studying abroad, living abroad, and Italy itself was a bit of a different mixture than I found it to be. Not bad, just different. It's very different living in an entirely foreign country but being only with people from your country, and specifically your school.. and specifically your class. It is an entirely different thing to be within a school of students from the foreign country. That is perhaps the biggest difference. It is also different to live near a large city, live in a smaller city just outside of a large metropolis, live in a large city, and live directly within a large metropolis. By this I refer to suburban Minneapolis, MN; Troy, NY; Torino, IT; Rome, IT. I have all these places as a home at one point or another. It is different to live in the Midwestern vs. Northeastern US, as it is different to live in the North vs. Center of Italy. People are different. Weather is different. Food is different.
And within these differences is the struggle and the adventure and the beauty. I have found I love that more than anything. I love discovering it all. But that is not without its difficulty. You see, discovering usually involves leaving one place for another. And when you leave a place you also leave people. Perhaps the last days here have made me miss my best friends and family back home more than ever. People who know me, who know my heart and understand the quirks and experiences that deeply influence me.
But to say all this and not include the only thing that is constant in my currently very transitional life, is to miss the entire point of my life. And that, to say in Sunday-school terms, is Jesus. Yes, Jesus. I know it sounds boring because it is supposed to be the answer, but through all of this I have found that it really is the case. And when you get into all of it, boring is the last word to describe it. God has me clinging for dear life on the roller-coaster of a crazy beautiful adventure of a life.
Today I watched 'Eat. Pray. Love' It was really good. Of course, it's a total chick flick, but past that, it's good. For one, it was pretty exciting to see the parts in Italy that they filmed. Probably because they are about 100 meters away from where I am currently sitting at school. Not that I'm a total movie fanatic and will now go try to trace every step of Julia Roberts and take pictures of every restaurant and stone bench, but since my job this summer and since being a little more involved in photography, I find it really interesting to see how they portray different places. And a side note: Piazza Navona is almost never that empty unless it is 7:00 am. And I have most certainly not seen multiple nuns eating gelato on the bench in front of Bernini's fountain. But it sure would be awesome if it was the case! ...And Roman bars are hectic, but do not resemble elegant mosh pits. ...and I am a bit jealous of Julia Robert's Rome, which seems to be devoid of tourists, even in exceptional weather. And, I am probably the most envious of the fact that she picked up decent Italian in the matter of 20 minutes of the movie. ...but it's a movie.
The entire movie was about her finding herself. I totally understand that. I feel like that's always a huge issue. But it made me kind of sad, for the reason that it would be really empty to search for myself without actually looking to the one that knows me better than I could even know myself. You would think the one who created me would probably have me figured out. So, unlike Liz in the movie, I truly have Someone with all the answers. I don't have to search multiple continents and countless countries to find myself. I have done a fair amount of traveling at this point, but more or less traveling does not make me any closer or further away from God and knowing myself through Him. Yes, God lives within me, as the movie also states. But the movie's mantra of 'god as myself' does not apply. Thank goodness! If god was myself... I'd be doomed! I am a 21 year old architecture student, with a lot of confusion and craziness...I could not run my own life without sending it into a tailspin. It's basically the equivalent of handing over the steering wheel to a blind person. How comforting it is to have someone who can see and is the greatest of drivers! Watching the movie made me realize that I have an incredible resource. If I have the God of the universe, the Author of creation at my doorstep, accessible to me, to learn about him.... Why on earth would I not take advantage of that!? But I most definitely have not taken advantage of it. I too easily forget when I am confused or frustrated and searching, that I have someone who already knows all about it, but just wants to listen, to be there and to help.
I feel like lately I have been really anxious. Anxious for the semester to be over, to have Christmas, to try to learn Italian as fast as possible so I can actually communicate with people at Christmas. Anxious to figure out what this time away in Italy was all about. Why God sent me here in the first place. I may never know the answer to that question, but lately I feel a lot more comforted. Because finally, after all of this, I realized that God was there the whole time, was listening every time I was frustrated or overwhelmed, saw every amazing beautiful experiences I experienced, knew every loneliness, knew every joy. And little by little, that anxiousness has just melted. When God has your life and you aren't worrying all the time about what to do next, or what has happened in the past, it's an incredibly peaceful place to be. It doesn't mean it's not without conflict, but overall, the feeling is peace. And it's beautiful.
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