Today started out fantastic. I woke up early, the sun shining through the windows, and my bed the softest comfiest place I could imagine. My shower felt wonderful. My breakfast was tasty. My morning dance music was good. I got to the library super extra early to study and get stuff done. I heard back from a possible job connection, and I got some stuff cleared up dealing with my school account. Even my morning test went well - 10 out of 10. Last class. doneskies.
And then, suddenly I was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by my impending schedule, my work, my different relationships with friends, and any little obstacles that came my way. A feeling clung in my chest and wouldn't leave, an anxiousness where I could not physically catch my breath, and my heart seemed to slowly pound it's way painfully out of my chest. I don't really cry much at all, but suddenly I was on the verge of tears at absolutely any provocation. What's worse, was that my friends around me were having good days, and I felt completely out of place messing their days up by my sad-panda demeanor.
Logically, I did the super responsible thing, and skipped out on my homework for a while, abandoned my phone, ate ice cream, said stupid things to friends, and played hooky just sitting on the hill by school, looking out over the city. Normally this would have been a location of peace and quiet and serenity for me, but my heart would not shut up. It just ached. Not for a broken heart, but out of pure anxiety. And then I was mostly anxious that I was anxious. I'm pretty sure I fell asleep. I didn't feel better once I woke up, mostly I felt a little itchy from the grass and like one too many six-legged friends had crawled across my arms. But gazing across the grassy hillside, dotted with yellow splotches of dandelions, I remembered something important. I remembered that there was someone out there who cared, who listened and who didn't make me feel dumb or try to fix it or anything. Who just loved. Loved simply and loved totally. And anxiety and worrying could never break that bond or change that relationship, not on his side anyway.
''Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat, or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens. They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn, yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why worry about the rest?
Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not set your mind on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and the Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.
Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been please to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.''
I know this verse is often quoted, and well-known. I myself memorized it quite a few years ago, and I need to brush up on it, but most of it is still there. It was the one passage that could get me through anything. Not because it had some magical strength of it's own, but in it's entirety, it was able to lift me up and humble me all at the same time. It was able to set my mind straight, with no ifs or buts.. I couldn't weasel my way out back into the same state of anxiety with out the surety that he had me covered. He proved it over and over again. I was absolutely foolish not to trust him.
So there I was, sitting among hundreds of dandelions. I was just thinking to myself how beautiful they were, even though they were lowly weeds. There life was simple. It was provided for. They had nothing to worry about. ..and then I thought, and wanted to laugh to myself. ...how much more am I beautiful in God's eyes. The dandelions - the weeds! - he fabricates with utmost delicacy and care, and provides all their needs, though their life is short. And yet I am His, given not just the life of a flower but the life of his child. How much more will he provide. How much more will he take pleasure in me.
I highly recommend braiding
dandelion crowns they're awesome.
I thought about the reason for my anxiety. It wasn't purely a matter of clothing or food. It was a matter of lost trust in Him, because I had been hurt by all those foolish things I had set my heart on. My treasure had not been in Him. If it were, I would have felt joy, for that is what He brings. My treasure was in my schoolwork. My schedule. My relationships. My job search. My grades. My money. My ...fill-in-the-blank-with-element-of-temporary-life. Keyword: Me. You see, the problem with trying to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, is that usually you've tied them together without realizing it, only causing yourself to trip later. My treasure was being eaten by moths, robbed and plundered by strangers and friends alike, and I was becoming exhausted. When I realized this, when I remembered that my heart is where my treasure is, my life became so much simpler. It did not become easy, but it became very simple.
God, thank you that you reveal things to me, in my foolishness and my stubbornness and my pride, and reveal them in simple things, like weeds. You are truly incredible.
So if you talked to me during this past week, I may have been extremely distracted. or a bit fidgety. Or a tad sleepy. Or perhaps I would have seemed completely normal, fooling you despite how bad my week really was. BUT, the fascinating thing was, I don't feel horrible about my week.
We all have those days, when everything goes wrong, when everything compounds and just drives us absolutely crazy. That was my day, especially Thursday. And generally, that was my week.
It started with a failure of a cake. This magical vertical-layered cake I was looking forward to baking. I planned it out, made the fondant one night, the icing the next, and then Sunday night I would bake the layers, construct it, and have it ready for Bible study on Monday. Well, the cake part failed. Quite miserably. I should have known it was a fishy-looking recipe. I know a failure in baking doesn't sound like a big deal, but it kind of is for me. Baking is my stress relief. It's when I get a chance to be creative, resourceful, and do something with my hands that has nothing to do with architecture. And giving it to people and making their day a bit brighter makes my heart happy. ..and 95% of the time, it comes out wonderfully. I'm good at it, just because I've practiced a lot. But this cake, this was a failure. The layers came out to be oily dense pancakes. Gross. .. So I used the ganache for a cupcake creation, which was a success. Victory.
Then came a compounded failure of not getting up early, not going to bed early, and not having time to run in the morning. Yes, again it seems normal, but for me it's a big deal. It's my schedule and my comfort. When I'm diligent and stick to my schedule, I get things done, I'm efficient, I rarely forget things, and I just generally do better. When I mess that up, all the structure falls apart.
Then came the giant setback of having a crit from DBell, my professor, the day before the review. The day before. It was a necessary crit, but really, I would have killed to have it during the weekend. So all of that work I had taken the last 6 days to do, I had to do over plus more in less than 24 hours. So, and all-nighter followed, which was not in the plan. I specifically had planned my entire past week so I would not have to pull an all-nighter.
Then came the day of the review. My plots did not print. When they did, my 22x34 in plots came out to around 3x5 on the giant white page. And I planned ahead and printed at 6:00 am for a 2:00 review. I never got 3 to print correctly, so I posted on 11x17 and pinned up my messy disgrace for a project in the gallery. Later failures included forgetting things in my room, spilling my coffee, breaking my favorite belt, tripping, etc. etc. I thought for sure the day would continue, and this review would go horribly.
Surprise! It didn't. Not in the slightest. My project was chosen as one of the top projects. What I thought was a disgrace for boards turned out to be not so bad. My so-so drawing was claimed to be one of the best. My project was chosen as one with great potential. .....WHAT?! .. I most definitely expected that review to go 5000x worse.
Now, the bad stuff didn't stop there. The next day I woke up 15 minutes before a test that I was going to study for more that morning. I forgot my purse somewhere. I left my dorm room door open and unlocked for around 4 hours. I almost couldn't access my dorm building at 11:30 at night. But I'm fine. There was a lot of good stuff in this week, despite all the bad. A huge part of it was God. Yes, I know, it's clichéd but truly, he was the constant in a sea of crazy. I have these truths to hold onto:
''For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you.'' Jeremiah 29:11-13.
''Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear.For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes.Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds!Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? Luke 12:22-26
I know these are quoted 5 billion times over. But really look at the words. God has plans for you. Specifically tailored to all the good and bad and crazy in your life. That's pretty radical. That means that every little thing is designed for a greater purpose. I'm an archie. I design things. It takes effort to design things. It takes an intense amount of thought and focus and deliberation to truly design. And yet, God designed our lives. Wow. Also.. we can't add hours to our lives. Duh. I know, we try to glop cream to our faces and drink antioxidants to make us look and feel younger, but we physically cannot actually add an hour to our lives. .. So why worry? What does it get us? And the one verse is probably one of my favorite in all of the Bible. ''And how much more valuable you are than birds!'' I know, strange verse to love. But when you look at nature, and the birds and the bees and the bugs.. they are busy, living, and seem pretty fine with their lives. And we stress about so much. I don't think birds stress out. They simply live. God takes care of them. Everything is provided, everything is taken care of. And yet how much more valuable are we. Beautiful. How much more will things be provided for us? How much more should we truly live? So when life is crazy, things are hectic and I just want to sleep rather than face the next failure, I try my hardest to remember that. Because it's true.
.... And things could always be worse. One song came to mind this week, and honestly made things a lot better. Atmosphere's song, 'Best Day' tells of the worst things happening, yet still living life and working through it. I do not in any way endorse all of this song, but generally I love it, the beat and the perspective of the lyrics. Not all rap has to be crap.
I had a rough day, but that's life, it happens Woke up on a dark side of my mattress I guess I forgot to set my clock Overslept, almost lost the job Then to top it off, I'm kinda hungry But can't eat till I find my money It's in my wallet but my wallet ain't in my pocket Can't remember the last time I saw it And they don't want me in a bad mood Afraid that it'll spread and everyone will catch an attitude They got 'em all singing the same tune Thinking I should go and start a fire in the break room Co-workers make me sick and the manager really ain't ---- But I can't quit, so I'm hiding in the basement Holding onto to my face like ---- this place [Chorus: 2X] Every day can't be the best day Do what you can right now, don't hesitate That's why we try to make love and get paid Take the bad with the good, now let's play
..... ......................................
Can't dance with an upset stomach
The overdraft notices just kept coming
Somebody broke into the porch and stole a chair
Top of your head stopped growing hair
Broken glass, computer crashed
The car won't start and the tires went flat
Dog got loose, brought back a dead cat
Daughter found it and had a panic attack
Plus you ain't had sex in how long?
Afraid to admit that the fire's all gone
The better half is talking about separating
You wish you could take it back to yesterday
You not alone, it's hard as hell
But don't waste no time feeling sorry for self
We'll be right here with you through your war
Cause you're the one that we make this music for
Now turn it up
(this isn't the whole song, but this post is long enough! )
...and I'm so glad my day was not as bad as his. It's all relative, and all workable :)
