To make sure you don't find me exceptionally vain and full of myself, I will assuage your nerves and tell you that there is no such thing as 'The Angie Fan Club.' If only some people knew....
You see, I have this not-so-lovely thing in my life I simply refer to as "The Ratio." It seems it is one of my few true discomforts and perhaps my nemesis some days. For a while, it was always, "The RPI Ratio," referring to the lack of girls as opposed to guys at the RPI campus. It's caused numerous problems. You see, in these situations, girls are quite the commodity, and guys seem to be suddenly interested in whatever girl returns a 'hello' rather than running away. Unfortunately, more often than not, I am "that girl."
If I was a normal girl, which I'm not apparently, I wouldn't care in the slightest. In fact, 'normal' girls delight in attention from guys, usually. Or at least they don't mind so much. I definitely do mind. In fact, it drives me crazy. The last thing on earth I'm looking for right now is any kind of boyfriend. And yet, when I am looking the least, they come out in full force. Now, I fully sympathize with these guys - I couldn't imagine how hard it is to put yourself out there and pick up a conversation with a girl or especially ask her out. I don't mind guys doing that at all. I just really don't like them asking me. Not now, anyway.
I have dropped 'RPI' from the name because it is no longer necessary, unfortunately. I had hoped so desperately to be rid of the stupid ratio and all of it's issues once I left RPI and New York for the summer and traveled back home. It found me. (And there isn't even a ratio here! There are tons of girls!)
Though not as severe, this old friend (or..'frienemy') has caught up with me. I swear, the Ratio must pack itself up in my suitcase whenever I travel. Anyway, I love meeting new people, I really do. Guys are awesome people to get to know. But honestly, give me some space. Just because a girl actually answers your questions does not mean that she wants to reciprocate full undivided attention for the next hour! If there is anything I enjoy about getting to know new people, it's the mystery. I love the intrigue of discovering the bits and pieces that make up a person, what makes them truly unique, truly beautiful in God's eyes and in other's. ....So don't tell me your life story all at once, okay?
I suppose this is some sort of weird preparation for the future. I've been told (and retold and retold by my mom) that this issue will only get worse as I head to Italy. Great...just great. But hey, I've been dealing with it for a few years now. And hey, I've got the best Lover in the world that has my back - God's got something up his sleeves, and I'm stepping forward with him in the strangest sort of service or ministry or lesson I've ever been a part of. If there's one person that can use a bunch of silly crushes on a plain Minnesotan girl to his purposes, it's God.
So, God, I guess I'm trusting you with this. Guard my heart, increase my patience, and ever always increase my love. ...but, just please don't let them get confused what kind of love it is! ;)
Monday, July 19, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
_favorite movies_
Typically, I don't really like watching movies over and over again. They lose their freshness, their intrigue, and most of the excitement. That is why it is particularly wonderful when I find a favorite movie - one I can watch over and over again and not get sick of. One that brings a smile to my face and that tingling happy sensation, even though I can practically quote the movie word for word. Those movies are few and far between, which is perhaps why I love them so much.
Some of these movies come from my childhood - movies that I grew up seeing, beloved because they were some of the few movies available. Consequently, I came to love a lot of old films simply because if we watched movies, it was with our grandmother. Sound of Music, Snow White, Singing in the Rain, and Don't Eat the Daisies will always be cherished. Later, Big Fish, O Brother Where Art Thou, and Fawlty Towers were added to my list of favorites. Wall-E and Up! became some of my favorite Pixar films. World's Fastest Indian, Sweet Land, Amelie and Catch Me if You Can are also movies I will always love. And, the girly part of my cherishes a couple movies: Persuasion and Pride and Prejudice.
Well, Pride and Prejudice was the choice last night. I hadn't watched it in a while. I forget how much I absolutely love that movie. Now, I know it's a "chick flick" and usually I protest them. ...but that's another story.. Pride and Prejudice grabs my heart like few other movies. Why? I have some ideas, but I'm not exactly sure.
First, the sets and locations are BEAUTIFUL. Sunlight golden prairies that almost make me want to drive to Wisconsin to experience something similar. Old brick and stone buildings that secretly scream of their warmth and character. Everything is in place, but very lived in. Even the grand palace of Netherfield (the Bingley's rented estate) has an older character to it, slight imperfections on the stone columns and banisters that give an air of grandeur but also a gentle humility, so similar to Mr. Bingley's personality. The Bennett's home is not as grand, but still seems to be about 5 times the size of my own home. But it is lived in, loved, and cherished by every member of that family. It is rustic, rural, and cozy. I wish I could develop sets like that. That would be an amazing job. Anyway, the sets steal the show.
But the actors aren't bad either. They create a wonderful view of a flawed, loving, beautiful family. They drive each other crazy sometimes, but love one another more than they could hope to express. The mother, Mrs. Bennett, is remarkably... obnoxious. She drives me up a wall. She thinks highly of herself, she puts others down, and generally says things she shouldn't. But she is still a mother, in love with her husband and her children. Because of that time, the only role of a woman was to get married, bear children, and make sure her daughter(s) get married as well. Under those cultural circumstances, I can definitely understand why she does the things she does, to a point. I love the father in the family. I love the relationship he has with Lizzy. And I love Lizzy, or Elizabeth Bennett, the most, because she reminds me so much of me.
Lizzy loves to laugh. loves her sisters and her parents, and has a good time dancing and meeting new people. She confides in a best friend and in her older sister, Jane. She is skeptical of men, and does not want to give into the cultural norm of marriage for safety and comfort's sake. She is no longer a child, but doesn't see herself as a woman. And, by coincidence, she is 20 years old, same as me. (at that last point, ... I could easily freak out Lizzy-style. I am nowhere near and have no desire to be married in the next couple years. Eventually, but not now.). Anyway, I know she is a beloved character by thousands of readers, and I will always be one of them.
And then there is Mr. Darcy. Now, I really don't fall for guy characters in books or movies much. Mostly because I'm just a bit too practical and know that with a moviestar there is absolutely no chance of even meeting them and with a book character ..well, he doesn't really exist. I was never one of those girls who paste pictures of guys and magazine ads to their bedroom walls or their high school locker. I'm not saying that's bad, it's just not me. But I will always have a small place in my heart for Mr. Darcy. Not because I want to marry him or anything, but because I see a part of myself in him, That proud part, that arrogant part, and the part that doesn't feel like I'm skilled at meeting new people.
Anyway, I could go on and on about why I love the book, or the movie (and yes, I know the newer movie doesn't exactly follow the book. But I still think it is an excellent film). But I think I just see it as intensely real, flawed, beautiful, and timeless. Something I look for in most of my favorite things and my favorite people.
<-- I notice weird things. Like I love how in one of the last scenes, arguably the most "romantic" when it's all foggy and dramatic, the ground is not perfect or groomed. They let it be normal and wild and not manicured. I know that's a weird thing to notice and appreciate, but I like strange things like that :)
Some of these movies come from my childhood - movies that I grew up seeing, beloved because they were some of the few movies available. Consequently, I came to love a lot of old films simply because if we watched movies, it was with our grandmother. Sound of Music, Snow White, Singing in the Rain, and Don't Eat the Daisies will always be cherished. Later, Big Fish, O Brother Where Art Thou, and Fawlty Towers were added to my list of favorites. Wall-E and Up! became some of my favorite Pixar films. World's Fastest Indian, Sweet Land, Amelie and Catch Me if You Can are also movies I will always love. And, the girly part of my cherishes a couple movies: Persuasion and Pride and Prejudice.
Well, Pride and Prejudice was the choice last night. I hadn't watched it in a while. I forget how much I absolutely love that movie. Now, I know it's a "chick flick" and usually I protest them. ...but that's another story.. Pride and Prejudice grabs my heart like few other movies. Why? I have some ideas, but I'm not exactly sure.
First, the sets and locations are BEAUTIFUL. Sunlight golden prairies that almost make me want to drive to Wisconsin to experience something similar. Old brick and stone buildings that secretly scream of their warmth and character. Everything is in place, but very lived in. Even the grand palace of Netherfield (the Bingley's rented estate) has an older character to it, slight imperfections on the stone columns and banisters that give an air of grandeur but also a gentle humility, so similar to Mr. Bingley's personality. The Bennett's home is not as grand, but still seems to be about 5 times the size of my own home. But it is lived in, loved, and cherished by every member of that family. It is rustic, rural, and cozy. I wish I could develop sets like that. That would be an amazing job. Anyway, the sets steal the show.
But the actors aren't bad either. They create a wonderful view of a flawed, loving, beautiful family. They drive each other crazy sometimes, but love one another more than they could hope to express. The mother, Mrs. Bennett, is remarkably... obnoxious. She drives me up a wall. She thinks highly of herself, she puts others down, and generally says things she shouldn't. But she is still a mother, in love with her husband and her children. Because of that time, the only role of a woman was to get married, bear children, and make sure her daughter(s) get married as well. Under those cultural circumstances, I can definitely understand why she does the things she does, to a point. I love the father in the family. I love the relationship he has with Lizzy. And I love Lizzy, or Elizabeth Bennett, the most, because she reminds me so much of me.
Lizzy loves to laugh. loves her sisters and her parents, and has a good time dancing and meeting new people. She confides in a best friend and in her older sister, Jane. She is skeptical of men, and does not want to give into the cultural norm of marriage for safety and comfort's sake. She is no longer a child, but doesn't see herself as a woman. And, by coincidence, she is 20 years old, same as me. (at that last point, ... I could easily freak out Lizzy-style. I am nowhere near and have no desire to be married in the next couple years. Eventually, but not now.). Anyway, I know she is a beloved character by thousands of readers, and I will always be one of them.
And then there is Mr. Darcy. Now, I really don't fall for guy characters in books or movies much. Mostly because I'm just a bit too practical and know that with a moviestar there is absolutely no chance of even meeting them and with a book character ..well, he doesn't really exist. I was never one of those girls who paste pictures of guys and magazine ads to their bedroom walls or their high school locker. I'm not saying that's bad, it's just not me. But I will always have a small place in my heart for Mr. Darcy. Not because I want to marry him or anything, but because I see a part of myself in him, That proud part, that arrogant part, and the part that doesn't feel like I'm skilled at meeting new people.
Anyway, I could go on and on about why I love the book, or the movie (and yes, I know the newer movie doesn't exactly follow the book. But I still think it is an excellent film). But I think I just see it as intensely real, flawed, beautiful, and timeless. Something I look for in most of my favorite things and my favorite people.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
_answers and things_
Well, I've been absent from my blog for quite a while now. I feel like I need a port-a-blog, because I always want to blog so badly when I have nothing to write with, and then when I'm around my computer I have nothing to write about. Which doesn't help things at all.
Anyway, this summer has been quite.. interesting so far. Part of me feels like it's practically over, the other part feels like it began yesterday. At the beginning of this summer I was pretty stressed. To say the least. I was actually probably more stressed than I was during this past semester. If you know what that semester was like, you should know that this is not good, at all. Running through my mind constantly: I have no job. I have no money. I am supposed to be going to Italy at the end of this summer. What do I need? Money. How? A job. Do I have all the paperwork set? No. Do I know Italian? No. I missed New York and the people there. I missed knowing what to expect, generally. I felt over my head, out of touch with everyone, and even out of touch with God. And all of this was eating me alive.
However, God had some other things in mind. Part of the awesome part about being back home is church. Hope has been my home for so long, and still feels like it even when I'm gone for most of the year. It's like an awesome family that I get to just be with and worship with on Sundays, and fellowship with during the week if I'm lucky :) Of course, there are a TON of new family members that I have not met yet, and many, many babies. ha. Anyway, one of the things I love about Hope are Communion Sundays - the first Sunday of every month. Now, communion is awesome all by itself, definitely. But when Hope has the prayer team praying over each person as part of that, it makes it hit home a lot stronger. I'll be the first to admit, I do not enjoy telling people about the crap in my life, especially if that is the lovely first impression I'm giving them. Some Sundays, I would really really rather just take the bread and the cup and go sit in my seat and deal with it all by myself. I don't think God's a fan of that so much. Being alone with Him is some great quality time, but coming before others in the Body and just sharing life is also part of His plan. And it blows me away every time. Pretty much every communion Sunday I cry. I really don't enjoy it, but I usually do nonetheless. Why? Because God absolutely blows me away those Sundays, in a really personal way. When I go up to someone to be prayed for after taking communion, I may or may not explain everything that is on my heart. Actually, I usually don't. (My heart is kind of messed up and worried about a lot of things to just go through the laundry list of items for a quick prayer) No matter what information I give the person, no matter how little they may know me, they always pray for exactly what is on my heart, what I truly need to hear. Is that the person being a remarkably brilliant guesser? Nope. I'm definitely sure that's God working. And every time it blows me away.
So, particularly this past communion Sunday, I was blown away in an extra special way. At that point in the summer, I was exhausted and overwhelmed to my capacity. I didn't feel like getting prayed for. But I did anyway. I simple said that I was supposed to be studying abroad in Italy this fall, I had no money, no job, and no Christians on the trip for me. I don't remember his name, but he prayed for exactly what I needed. He prayed that (paraphrasing) the money would come pouring in that week, that I would be given a job, that I would be able to connect with Christians in Italy, but also be of use to God and serve while I'm there. I did believe with all my heart that God could do these things. I just didn't feel like He would want to do something like that for me right now. I didn't feel like I deserved it, or was seeking him fervently enough, or loved him enough.
Guess what. God still works despite those things. That's why He's so unbelievably awesome. That's the part that blows me away. He chose to answer that prayer, and still is. On the Monday or Tuesday of that same week, I talked to my grandma asking her if she had frequent flyer miles to spare, which she had none. However, she did have some cabinets that needed refinishing. I would have done them for free, of course - they're for my grandparents! But instead I was given a "job" with the ability to have some money toward my trip in return. Definitely a God thing. Next up? the infamous elusive job. Now, I was hoping to find an architecture internship this summer. That would have been fantastic. I'm studying architecture, I plan on doing architecture for a while, having an actual internship would be realllly helpful. But there aren't many available in the country anymore, much less in Minnesota. Unless you are a grad student. Or better yet, a licensed architect. Even then, you're extremely lucky to have a job.. and keep it. So, architecture job was doubtful. Nannying? I applied for every job I could find. Other odds and ends? Yep.
But a week or so after my cabinet "job" started, an old connection from last summer came in to play. A friend from church had "trained me in" as a location scout the previous summer, and now needed some assistance. So I get the crazy (awesome) job of driving around the state looking for places to shoot commercials. AMAZING. Just to have a job would be amazing. To have a job that's actually really enjoyable? Well, that's God amazing. The way he works things out is... unbelievable. So I figured that was just about it, right? I was gaining some money toward my trip, finding some work. Super. I'm pretty content, at least infinitely more so that I was.
Remember how I needed to find some fellowship over there? Well, just so happens that there is a Christian ministry there, which has people in both Torino and Rome, both of the places where I will spend the majority of my time. Also, on the stateside, it just so happens that my mom has a cousin who lived in Italy for a while, and now owns a gelato shop near Phoenix, Arizona. Guess what! I'll be learning how to make gelato, practicing some Italian, helping out with what I can, and staying in Arizona for a couple of weeks! The crazy stuff God has up his sleeves.... I just don't believe it. It's crazy. and amazing. SO amazing.
So yes, this month of June has been pretty amazing. God grabbed ahold of me in a big way, loved me when I really didn't feel like loving him back, pursued me when I shrugged him off, and gave me so much more than I could have dreamed for myself. Even if things weren't going this much better, I would still be learning to trust him. God really lavished his love on me this past month. I totally didn't deserve it in the slightest. I still don't understand why he did it. But he did, and I am so thankful and blessed. My socks have been blown clear off.
Anyway, this summer has been quite.. interesting so far. Part of me feels like it's practically over, the other part feels like it began yesterday. At the beginning of this summer I was pretty stressed. To say the least. I was actually probably more stressed than I was during this past semester. If you know what that semester was like, you should know that this is not good, at all. Running through my mind constantly: I have no job. I have no money. I am supposed to be going to Italy at the end of this summer. What do I need? Money. How? A job. Do I have all the paperwork set? No. Do I know Italian? No. I missed New York and the people there. I missed knowing what to expect, generally. I felt over my head, out of touch with everyone, and even out of touch with God. And all of this was eating me alive.
However, God had some other things in mind. Part of the awesome part about being back home is church. Hope has been my home for so long, and still feels like it even when I'm gone for most of the year. It's like an awesome family that I get to just be with and worship with on Sundays, and fellowship with during the week if I'm lucky :) Of course, there are a TON of new family members that I have not met yet, and many, many babies. ha. Anyway, one of the things I love about Hope are Communion Sundays - the first Sunday of every month. Now, communion is awesome all by itself, definitely. But when Hope has the prayer team praying over each person as part of that, it makes it hit home a lot stronger. I'll be the first to admit, I do not enjoy telling people about the crap in my life, especially if that is the lovely first impression I'm giving them. Some Sundays, I would really really rather just take the bread and the cup and go sit in my seat and deal with it all by myself. I don't think God's a fan of that so much. Being alone with Him is some great quality time, but coming before others in the Body and just sharing life is also part of His plan. And it blows me away every time. Pretty much every communion Sunday I cry. I really don't enjoy it, but I usually do nonetheless. Why? Because God absolutely blows me away those Sundays, in a really personal way. When I go up to someone to be prayed for after taking communion, I may or may not explain everything that is on my heart. Actually, I usually don't. (My heart is kind of messed up and worried about a lot of things to just go through the laundry list of items for a quick prayer) No matter what information I give the person, no matter how little they may know me, they always pray for exactly what is on my heart, what I truly need to hear. Is that the person being a remarkably brilliant guesser? Nope. I'm definitely sure that's God working. And every time it blows me away.
So, particularly this past communion Sunday, I was blown away in an extra special way. At that point in the summer, I was exhausted and overwhelmed to my capacity. I didn't feel like getting prayed for. But I did anyway. I simple said that I was supposed to be studying abroad in Italy this fall, I had no money, no job, and no Christians on the trip for me. I don't remember his name, but he prayed for exactly what I needed. He prayed that (paraphrasing) the money would come pouring in that week, that I would be given a job, that I would be able to connect with Christians in Italy, but also be of use to God and serve while I'm there. I did believe with all my heart that God could do these things. I just didn't feel like He would want to do something like that for me right now. I didn't feel like I deserved it, or was seeking him fervently enough, or loved him enough.
Guess what. God still works despite those things. That's why He's so unbelievably awesome. That's the part that blows me away. He chose to answer that prayer, and still is. On the Monday or Tuesday of that same week, I talked to my grandma asking her if she had frequent flyer miles to spare, which she had none. However, she did have some cabinets that needed refinishing. I would have done them for free, of course - they're for my grandparents! But instead I was given a "job" with the ability to have some money toward my trip in return. Definitely a God thing. Next up? the infamous elusive job. Now, I was hoping to find an architecture internship this summer. That would have been fantastic. I'm studying architecture, I plan on doing architecture for a while, having an actual internship would be realllly helpful. But there aren't many available in the country anymore, much less in Minnesota. Unless you are a grad student. Or better yet, a licensed architect. Even then, you're extremely lucky to have a job.. and keep it. So, architecture job was doubtful. Nannying? I applied for every job I could find. Other odds and ends? Yep.
But a week or so after my cabinet "job" started, an old connection from last summer came in to play. A friend from church had "trained me in" as a location scout the previous summer, and now needed some assistance. So I get the crazy (awesome) job of driving around the state looking for places to shoot commercials. AMAZING. Just to have a job would be amazing. To have a job that's actually really enjoyable? Well, that's God amazing. The way he works things out is... unbelievable. So I figured that was just about it, right? I was gaining some money toward my trip, finding some work. Super. I'm pretty content, at least infinitely more so that I was.
Remember how I needed to find some fellowship over there? Well, just so happens that there is a Christian ministry there, which has people in both Torino and Rome, both of the places where I will spend the majority of my time. Also, on the stateside, it just so happens that my mom has a cousin who lived in Italy for a while, and now owns a gelato shop near Phoenix, Arizona. Guess what! I'll be learning how to make gelato, practicing some Italian, helping out with what I can, and staying in Arizona for a couple of weeks! The crazy stuff God has up his sleeves.... I just don't believe it. It's crazy. and amazing. SO amazing.
So yes, this month of June has been pretty amazing. God grabbed ahold of me in a big way, loved me when I really didn't feel like loving him back, pursued me when I shrugged him off, and gave me so much more than I could have dreamed for myself. Even if things weren't going this much better, I would still be learning to trust him. God really lavished his love on me this past month. I totally didn't deserve it in the slightest. I still don't understand why he did it. But he did, and I am so thankful and blessed. My socks have been blown clear off.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)